The Worst Sunburn EVAR

By Matthew Warnock

O.M.G., no wait, make that O.M.F.G. I have the worst sunburn EVAR! And BTW, it is all Becky’s fault.

K, so my parents were all like, “We’re going camping. It’ll be fun and stuff.” And I was all “I don’t want to pee in the bushes. You better not make me pee in the bushes or my Tweets of rage will make you quake with fear.”

They didn’t quake with fear. They didn’t even jiggle with fear.

So I told Becky that we were going up to Wisconsin and were going to be camping and canoeing and all that and she said at least I could work on my tan and not have to worry about getting a burn.

U c, Becky is all super smart about science and stuff. She totally got a B minus in Mr. Dole’s super boring science class. I only got a C. Anyway, she said that it was chemically impossible to get a sunburn because of all the cheese fumes in the air.

It’s like smog in LA. Plus, Wisconsin is totally up in the Arctic Circle and they only get a little bit of actual sunlight every year.

I was hoping I could at least get a little bit of a tan, you know, set the foundation for the epic tan I would get back home, so I didn’t put on any sunblock. We got up to the campground, and it was totally bug city. Plus, there were port-a-potties. Gross.

After coating myself with bug spray and vowing not to go to the bathroom all weekend, my parents said we were going canoeing. It was non-negotiable.

So I tried to bemoan my fate to all my Twitter followers while my parents rowed us down the river. But apparently, they don’t believe in proper cell phone reception in campingville. There were bugs, and everything smelled like just after it rains and all the worms come out of the ground and you have to watch where you step if you don’t want to trail worm guts all over the place. Yuck.

And there was the sun. And it was hot, like hella hot. But I was ok because Becky said I didn’t have to worry about it. And my parents were all like “you put on sunscreen right?” And I was all “Totally, whatever you say.”

Well Becky was wrong. By the time we got back to camp my skin was as red as the the boring apples my mom packed for the trip instead of the yummy chocolate chip cookies I asked for. There were even a few gross blisters. My parents said something about wearing sunscreen and not wanting to get skin cancer, blah, blah, blah. Then I took my bottle of yummy smelling lotion and retreated to the tent for the next two days.
K, so, lesson learned, Becky is way dumb, and canoeing without sunscreen means a mega sunburn.